That's a lot easier said than done.
So, I'm going to share my 3-step process for how to successfully prepare for a difficult conversation.
Difficult conversations are part of life.
We can’t avoid them forever (no matter how much we might want to).
And we also can’t control how those conversations will go.
But what we *can* do is prepare for them, so that the prospect of the conversation is less stressful.
And so the conversation itself is more productive.
Unfortunately, most people jump headfirst into difficult conversations with no prep.
They let issues fester until one day they just lose their shit.
Sometimes it’s because they’ve stuck their head in the sand and ignored the elephant in the room.
Or it could be because:
- They’ve thought about the issue constantly for weeks
- They have no idea how to bring it up
- They’re worried if they do bring it up it’ll turn into a shouting match, or
- They've brought it up so many times before and nothing's changed.
But now I'm going to explain to you how you can prepare for hard conversations so that you don't have to dive right in and just hope for the best.
Step 1: React and feel your feelings.
The feelings are there and they're not going to go away on their own.
If you don't let yourself feel them then you're not going to be able to do anything else, because your mind and body will be stuck.
Think about it.
If you're angry, sad, frustrated, or any big emotion can you do anything else before you've calmed down?
Probably not.
So, you need to let yourself feel your feelings someplace safe. Usually I cry in the shower. Sometimes I punch a punching bag at the gym.
You get to do whatever works for you.
But if you bottle up the feelings and don’t let yourself react and feel them in a safe, fairly contained manner, they will come out in other ways:
- Losing your shit at family dinner.
- Saying something passive aggressive (or aggressive aggressive).
- Or distancing yourself from the person who upset you.
The feelings *will* come out.
So, let yourself feel them before they spill over and come out in ways you don’t want them to.
Step 2: Process and examine your feelings.
Most people think processing is just letting your body calm down and getting back to your baseline.
But that’s just the first part. What I'm talking about is actually examining your feelings.
Asking yourself why you felt the feelings that you did.
Asking yourself why you're:
- Upset
- Angry
- Sad
- Frustrated
- Hurt
Figuring out what the real issue is that you need to address.
Is it that your partner never plans date night?
Or is it that they never plan a date night with you, but they always plan get-togethers with their friends?
Is it that your in-laws are always critical of you whenever they visit?
Or is it that your in-laws are always critical of you and your spouse never stands up for you?
You get the idea.
This part requires honesty, introspection, and self-awareness. And that can be really uncomfortable, so a lot of people just skip this step.
Don’t do that.
You can't communicate with someone else about what's bothering you if you don't actually know what that is.
Step 3: Prepare for the conversation.
You *can* have meaningful, productive conversations about hard topics that actually bring you closer to the other person.
Part of that means figuring out one thing you want to talk about in the conversation.
Don't try to cover too many things at once, that's a recipe for disaster.
You can have multiple conversations about different topics.
Once you’ve felt your feelings and figured out what you want to address you can talk about all the things. Just not at the same time.
So, pick one thing.
Then ask the other person when would be a good time to talk about that thing. Give them some time to prepare too.
Then you get to have the conversation.
You can't control how the other person reacts, or if the other person wants to have the conversation with you.
But you can do your best to make sure you're showing up as the best version of yourself.
Reacting, processing, and then preparing for the conversation will help you do that.
Until next time,
Judnefera
